The violent Jan. 6 siege of Congress was actually committed by agents provocateur. Their actions were orchestrated to cast a shadow on a bunch of peaceful tourists who, as chance would have it, were just milling around the grounds at the time. Be informed that any statements to the contrary are fake news.
Taking these alternate facts at face value, we can surmise other alternate events — presuming that the main event had been successful.
Now let’s be careful not to go too far in this daydream. Peer into the crystal ball, focusing only on the bigger picture. It would be immensely helpful to avoid distracting images, such as the newly constructed gallows or the fates of Pence and Pelosi.
Ah, the fog is dissipating — the glass is becoming clear.
The assault was effective! The news is having a field day championing that historic day and the events that follow. Medals and honors are overflowing. “Ticker Tape Parade on Broadway.” Oops! This crystal ball is a bit old.
Blazing from every corner of the earth, the news proclaims that the people of this humble, decent, Trump-fearing country have finally had their voices heard. Trump was rightly seated on his golden throne, adorned with a bejeweled crown and recognized as the best ruler this old country could ever hope to have. "Golly!" Those that risked their lives that day making it all happen are, and will be, glorified for all time (interviews, airtime and autographs aplenty).
On the other hand, the furnaces are stoked to receive those that had worked just as hard to prevent his victory. That group of vermin will be cast in the fire without any hesitation or obstruction from legal process.
But slowly these patriotic pets of the media (AKA “tourists”), who just happened to be here at the time in question, begin to feel uncomfortable with all their undeserved glory — after all, they were only there taking pictures.
They begin to speak out: not only to ease their souls, but also to set the record straight. Good for them!
“What valiant fight? Are you crazy? We don’t know a thing about it! We were only there to buy some souvenirs and see what all the fuss was about. We didn’t have anything to do with it. We didn’t do anything! Send all your cards and letters to all those leftists who did all the fighting for you. They’re the ones who should bask in all this glory, not us.”
A tip of the hat to a 100-year-old editorial in the Chronicle for the imagery here.