Have you ever thought about the fact that we all have an inner child?
Dr. Eric Berne, father of transactional analysis (TA), believed that our childhood experiences — how we were parented, for instance — shape our three ego states, parent, adult and child.
Berne states, “The interplay between these three states can cause us to replay the same way of thinking and behaviors our parents had about us during a conversation with others.”
Berne suggests that “maladjusted behavior is the result of self-limiting decisions made in childhood in the interest of survival.”
This plays out in what Berne calls the “life script.”
The goal of TA is to change the life script. That simply means that we make decisions to stifle, inhibit or suppress the positive and spontaneous sides of who we are, especially the child.
Both the child and adult have positive and negative aspects to them.
The parent ego state is an exact copy of our own parents. We sometimes refer to these as “parental tapes” or “parental streaming audio” playing over and over in our heads. Some of the parental streaming audio is positive, like “look both ways before crossing the street” or “you can do anything you put your mind to.”
Others are negative, like “you will never amount to anything” or “shut up and do what I tell you.”
These types of parental messages damage a child so they never really say or do anything that will upset their parents. The risks are too great.
I remember this first time I saw my wife’s inner child. It was our fourth or fifth date. I captured that moment in a selfie of her. Even as I look at that picture today, it warms my heart because I see that little girl in her eyes and in her smile. Her inner child is beautiful. She is full of life and promise with a little bit of orneriness sprinkled in. We talk often about the picture. She tells me I am the first one to see the child in her. I feel privileged that she shared her with me. Oh, and she has seen the little boy in me as well. Unfortunately, we don’t have a picture of him, but I know he’s there. I feel him all the time.
Do you feel your inner child? The spontaneous part of you that loves to discover new things? The part that approaches life with wonder eyed curiosity? Maybe you don’t let him or her out too much because of the fear of judgement or ridicule.
You see, we only let our inner child out in a trusting environment, and especially only to trusted people. There are times when we need to let the child be seen even when we are not sure of acceptance.
Why, you ask?
Because the child is you, just as the adult and parent are. If you are curious about Berne’s thoughts and TA, read “The games people play.”
Every part of who you are needs acceptance: the good, the not-so-good and everything in between.
So go ahead and let your inner child out, even if you’re the only one who knows he or she is there. Accept this part of you. Embrace this part of you. Yes, indulge this side of you. Let others see the beautiful child within.
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Richard Stride is the current CEO of Cascade Community Healthcare.
