After the Pro Bowl of two-hand touch football last weekend in Vegas, we’re finally at the ultimate NFL game of the year: the Super Bowl.
Originally a victory lap for the Green Bay Packers over crappy AFL teams, this game has morphed into the largest sporting event on earth and one of the biggest spotlights on Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.
And this year… both teams are likable?
Since I live in a cabin buried under three feet of snow in the wolf-infested wilds of Northeast Washington, I’m confused as to what I should be grumpy about.
Joe Burrow? Swaggy quarterback who I enjoy winning. Matt Stafford? Finally making the big game after suffering in football purgatory for most of his career in Detroit.
It’s not like Big Ben made a Super Bowl again and I can make fat jokes for four quarters. Tom Brady’s deflated football jokes fall flat when he is retired.
What exactly can we be grumpy about as sports fans? This year it feels like we’ve been cheated out of our rightful privilege of complaining.
Don’t worry, I’m kind of an expert on complaining. So much so, I’ve come up with this handy-dandy guide for fellow sports curmudgeons like myself. Here are things we can complain about…
Cooper Kupp Not Getting Enough Respect
Los Angeles Wide Receiver Cooper Kupp is great. He ended Tom Brady’s career. He has a beard that looks like it belongs on a Pe Ell lineman. He also attended the greatest sporting university in all of Washington, the Harvard of the West Plains, the Hogwarts of football greatness: Eastern Washington University. Despite going to a small school, he is now the greatest wide receiver ever to play the game of football.
Ask anyone in Washington and they’ll tell you: Kupp is a demigod now. Produced by Yakima, trained in Cheney and now winning playoff games with passes from recovering Detroit Lions players.
Unless commentators talk about Cooper Kupp the entire game, cross out Jerry Rice’s name in the record books and replace Joe Montana with Matt Stafford, HE IS NOT GETTING ENOUGH RESPECT. I’m writing this as I clutch my EWU jersey and adjust my 2010 NCAA Championship hat.
If The Chronicle does not run a full page photo of Cooper Kupp in their edition after the Super Bowl, I’m writing a nasty letter to the newspaper’s opinion section accusing editor Eric Schwartz of being a Montana Grizzly fan and telling everyone else at the paper to watch FCS football more often. Let’s be honest, EWU is more entertaining than Rolo not coaching the Cougars and Washington … I honestly don’t know what the Washington Husky football program is doing other than huffing paint fumes while boatgating.
The Bengals OL Not Getting Enough Blame
If Cincinnati loses, it will be because their offensive line couldn’t stop four toddlers from stumbling after Joe Burrow. Do not blame Joe Burrow if he has a bad game. He is like the anti-Russell WIlson (who somehow managed to get sacked in the FREAKIN’ PRO BOWL) and can somehow do well with a bad line.
Now factor in that the Rams have essentially the MonStars from Space Jam as their defensive line and let's just say “OUCH” is going to be said a lot during this broadcast. It’s a forgone conclusion at this point. Burrow will be running for his life.
So during your post game rant make sure to mention it's not our beloved second coming of Joe Namath — Joe Burrow — it’s his offensive line of wet tissue paper.
The Lack of Aaron Rodgers Commercials During the Super Bowl
If they cancel my man, Karen Rodgers, I’m going to be incensed.
He is a prince to us freedom fighters and supporters of the Canadian vaccine industry.
It seems that the mainstream media wants to silence a quarterback. In fact, why ISN’T he playing in the Super Bowl right now? Seems like the NFL playoffs are all about cancel culture.
The Halftime Show
Seriously, if you’re over the age of 35 and have a smartphone, you’re required by law to complain about the halftime show on social media.
Everybody wants to hear about how you don’t like the music so let the hate flow through you and onto Twitter. Don’t like the dancing? Don’t like the singing? Don’t like that it’s not your favorite songs and performed in your living room, then get ANGRY.
Use the all caps feature. This is your moment!
Sean McVay is Only 36 Years Old
… and he is a head coach in the NFL. I refused to believe this. Every NFL coach should be 55+, have the physique of Andy Reid and a mustache like Mike Holmgren. Everyone else is just posing as an NFL coach. Didn’t we learn that everybody should look like Mike Ditka? THAT’S HOW YOU WIN SUPER BOWLS.
Other than these things. … Just enjoy the game. We don’t have Brady. The Patriots lost by a million points to the Bills. Patrick Mahomes' wife has moved on from angering everybody on TikTok. The Cowboys still suck. Things are really good in the NFL right now.