“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
We have all heard this.
But the truth we all know is that this is just plain false.
The fact is words hurt. Words are so powerful they can end relationships. They can incite hate. They can rouse violence. But they can also calm. Words can soothe and heal.
In an experiment designed to find out if words hurt, Mary Richter and other scientists collaborated with her monitored subject’s brain response to negative words. Here is what they found: Negative or painful words release harmful stress hormones in subjects. In addition, they found children who hear negative talk about themselves or people they love tend to carry these anxiety responses with them into teen and adult years, resulting in low self-esteem and negative self-talk that could last a lifetime.
Think about that — it could last a lifetime. That is the power of words.
Here's a puissant example of the power of words: Do you remember the names you were called as a child, either by other children or your parents? You likely remember those words and names bullies called you.
I know you do, because I do, too.
You also remember the hurt you felt, how it made you sad, confused and gave way to doubt about who you are or perhaps even your worthiness.
The deep emotional scars left by those words or names leave a deep impression on your memory that never fully subsides.
They get buried in our psyche, but life events can trigger them to resurface. When they are triggered, this happens: We are 7 again, back on the playground, in our homes or in the environment where the verbal abuse happened. We are there.
Then comes the emotions we felt as a child. That’s heavy stuff, man.
Negative words, whether spoken, heard or thought by us, have long-term stress effects on our emotional wellbeing. Did you know it takes five positive comments to begin to overcome negative ones? I said “begin” on purpose, because the process only begins with five positive comments and can be disrupted at any time.
This can depend on how much, or the duration, of the verbal abuse (it really is abuse) there is. Did it happen once? Did it happen over months? Years? The longer the duration, the longer it takes to move on, but the sting remains.
It’s there. It’s always there.
In a book by Dr. Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman titled, “Words can change your brain,” they describe the power of words: “A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
Here is the good news: Newberg and Waldman also emphasize the use of positive words and thoughts, because they, too, can change one’s reality.
Here is a truism: You were never those names or words people used to describe you.
Why? Because they didn’t know you.
They didn’t know the person you were or are today. They assumed they were describing you, but they weren’t. They were wrong. They didn’t know the real you, the person you may have been too afraid to show. They never did know you, because they didn’t take the time.
We all have that one person who was our light, the person who accepted you for you. It could have been a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, Sunday school teacher or anyone else. They simply took the time to know you and they loved you because you're you.
That is powerful stuff.
It makes us feel alive down to our very soul. Who was your light? Remember the feeling you had just being with them. It was joy, wasn’t it?
We all can make changes in the words we use to express ourselves and others. It opens the doors to constructive dialogue, transparency, caring communications and an appreciation for the individuality of us all.
The bottom line is simply this: We need to have disdain for the things that deserve our loathing. However, it certainly is not, or should not, be each other. Good advice, right? Your words matter, so be careful with what you say and who you say it to. Words carry tremendous power for comfort or for hurt. Once they are out there, there are no take backs.
•••
Richard Stride is the current CEO of Cascade Community Healthcare. He can be reached at drstride@icloud.com.
